


Port of Call

by vojir



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anger, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 18:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vojir/pseuds/vojir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was his friend. He never said goodbye -- and he never said he was sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Port of Call

It’s only when they crash-land that he realizes he never said he was sorry.

He’d thought about it, sure. He’d agonized over it. He’d dreamed about countless times – every possible scenario played out in his head. Where it ended with Shepard punching him; where it ended with Shepard laughing and shrugging and making some joke about it; where it ended with her kicking him off the crew; etc. And in every single one, he felt like shit when it was over.

When he first saw her, when they first told him she was alive, he was terrified. That she’d blame him for her death (everyone else did), that she would reject his involvement in her mission, that she would never want to see him again. And he supposed he would have understood. But that’s the trouble with hoping for the best: there’s still a spike of terror in the center of the chest, because what if everything goes to shit anyways?

What if she didn’t forgive him?

_two and a half years earlier_

“What do you mean, Shepard isn’t on your shuttle?” Kaidan said, running his hands through his hair. “She went to get you. You’re here. Why isn’t she?”

Everyone else was quiet. The entire crew, almost, stood in a loose circle. Joker sat on the edge. All attention was on him, the last to arrive, the last to leave.

“I’m sorry,” he said, because he didn’t know what else to say. Sardonic comments bubbled to the forefront of his mind, but he shoved them away. Garrus wouldn’t look at him. Liara’s hand covered her mouth. Wrex stared up at the sky, where Shepard’s body was probably still drifting. “I… there was nothing I could do. She got me onto the shuttle, and then that goddamn ship fired at us again, and she was separated. She managed to press the launch button just as – just at the last second.” It goes unsaid: if I hadn’t been a stubborn, irresponsible jackass, she’d be here.

He rubbed at his beard, feeling like he should cry or something but not actually feeling anything at all. For a minute there, he thought she’d make it – he’d thought she was invincible – and she’d be down on the surface when he landed, scraped and bruised, but alive.

Instead he watched her suffocate. He watched her struggle with her suit, and then relax in a way she never would if she were still alive.

His first thought was to wonder how the heck people went to the bathroom in those skintight suits anyway. His second thought was that it was his fault, and his third thought was that he could probably never speak to anyone on the crew again.

Kaidan sat down on a moss-covered rock, his helmet in one hand and his head in the other. Garrus’ face was impenetrable – not that that was new. Liara was starting to cry. Wrex was grumbling something to himself. Tali was fidgeting nervously with a small data module.

Joker took off his hat and looked up in time to see a streak of flame that was pretty much absolutely Shepard’s body entering the planet’s atmosphere.

That was the last image he had of her. For two years.

_now_

They all climb out of the Normandy, carefully; Garrus holding one arm, Vega scratching at a bandage, Kaidan rubbing at his eyes, Tali leaning heavily on the side of the ship for support. Liara presses a hand to Joker’s shoulder, and he forces a weak smile before turning back to the sky, where the mass relays are still burning.

Where Shepard is still dead.

They don’t know what happened to her. None of them ever will. Even Garrus, who wants to believe that she’s a part of the universe, doesn’t truly know how integral she is to it’s continued survival. They know she’s gone. And that’s all they really want to know.

Joker takes off his hat.

“I’m sorry, Commander,” he says. “Shepard. I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> I WAS REPLAYING ME2 and i realized that joker??? never says he's sorry???? and it's not like i like him any less for it i just! thought it was slightly odd. because there's this pretty logical "if then" type deal, with the whole if joker hadn't been a stubborn bastard and evacuated the normandy when he was supposed to, shepard might never have died. and it's mostly interesting to think about the other crew members blaming him/him blaming himself, but never really knowing how to bring it up with shepard  
> (sorry for gendering, i always play femshep so it's just natural)


End file.
